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| I have decided to post something I've written on here. It's just a small chunk of one of my stories, but it's one of the most organized chunks I have available at the moment. (My writings are extremely disorganized.)
Just so you're not completely lost, here's some history: In the beginning of the story, Skye and Seth find themselves trapped in Amaranthine, which is sort of like another world. There, they meet the seers, Oliver and Macy. They tell them the legends of other seers, able to see into the future, the shadows, who have had control over Amaranthine with the help of the carriers for decades, and of the boy, Jonas, whom everyone believes to be the next carrier. They tell Skye that they have seen her bringing freedom to their world. Unable to get back home, Seth and Skye investigate further, and Skye's curiosity leads her to befriend Jonas. She is immediately drawn in by the mystery and danger surrounding him, and in her search to understand and grow closer to him, almost finds herself trapped by the shadows as well. Seth and the seers manage to help keep her from falling into the trap, but she still fights the prophesies, unwilling to believe that she is the one to end Amaranthine's captivity. Her sympathy for Jonas about how he is avoided by everyone had by that time turned into love, so when the seers tell her that she and Jonas will fight for Amaranthine's freedom together, she becomes more willing...
I awoke; slowly, peacefully this time. Finally, a night without being awaken by the dream. Dim light flooded into the spare bedroom from the window. I laid in bed on my side, unmoving, facing the window. I could see that the moon tonight was full, the stars bright and numerous.
I sat up slowly, and the bed creaked. The thought crossed my mind that I should check the time, but I had no interest in hours or minutes. The time was now, and it was time.
Seth was sleeping on the couch downstairs, and I took special care not to wake him as I moved toward the door. I stopped, with my hand gripping the handle lightly, to look at him. His back was turned to me, his brown hair messy from fitful sleep. He moved, and I froze in place, but he was still asleep. I could see his face now. His expression appeared pained and troubled, and I wondered what he dreamed about at night.
A single tear slid down my cheek as I stood there watching him. I would have liked to go over and wake him, so that he could come with me. I doubted my ability to do this alone, or at all for that matter. It was very likely that someone was going to have to die tonight, and if it came down to that, I had already decided that it would be me. I knew that I couldn’t bring Seth along to witness that, but even more so, I feared that having him with me would make me want to stay, to live. And I knew what that might mean for Jonas.
I turned my gaze away from Seth and opened the door slowly. I cringed as it creaked loudly, but Seth didn’t stir. One more quick look at him, and I was outside on the porch. The night air was cool. I sat down on the porch steps, and stared out into the woods on the edge of the property. I no longer felt any curiosity about what hid within those trees, only dread. Jonas was in there somewhere, but even that didn’t make me want to leave the safety of the porch.
I buried my face in my hands, clenched my teeth, and closed my eyes tightly, trying to block out the heaviness I felt from what I was supposed to do. It wasn’t fair, what they wanted of me. When Oliver and Macy had said that they had seen me bringing freedom to Amaranthine, it had scared me. They had to be wrong. I couldn’t do it alone. Then when they had said that Jonas would aid me in bringing freedom, I had been relieved, until I realized the consequence for that.
You can’t kill the shadows, Macy had said. They’re immortal, they’re not made of flesh and blood or any other tangible, physical substance like we are.
It hadn’t made any sense. Why was I expected to destroy something that they said couldn’t be destroyed?
Jonas, during the night I had spent with him only days ago, had shed light on some of my questions. He was fighting hard the entire time, and I got to witness a bit of the hold that the shadows had on him.
“I want to save you, Jonas.”
“It’s too late. It’s too late. It’s too late.”
He had spoken in a low, growling whisper as he said it, over and over again.
“But the seers said…”
“You don’t know what they said.” His voice was almost back to a normal tone. “I know what they told you, and I also know what they meant by it.”
“So tell me. No one tells me, and yet I’m expected to be their hero? I don’t want… I don’t even know how I got here. I don’t know how to get back, but I don’t want to. I want to stay here, with you.”
I reached up to touch his face, and he slapped my hand away. He shrank back against the wall and stared at me with his silver eyes, while I held my hand against my heart, unable to breathe.
“You’re not staying with me, Skye.” He was whispering again, softly this time.
I held has gaze, uncertain of what to say. His words and actions nearly choked me, but I held my composure. I searched his eyes for answers as we both stood still and apart, until he sighed and cleared his throat to speak.
“Listen, there’s a reason why everybody stays away from me. You should have listened to them. I’m not the best thing for you. I’ve influenced you too much already.”
I shook my head in disagreement as he said it, but he continued.
“No, Skye, you have to understand this.” There was urgency in his voice, but his body didn’t show it. He stayed at a safe distance, standing completely still, his back against the wall. I didn’t try to move toward him. “I have given myself to them, don’t you get it? Every day, every minute, they take more. I can’t take it back, it’s too late for that. They wanted me, and I gave myself up. Soon they’ll have complete control of my body, my mind, everything. And you want to know why they wanted me?” He uttered an angry laugh as he asked the question, but didn’t wait for me to respond. “Because they want you. They saw you coming even before the seers did, and when they realized that you were stronger than me, able to resist them… They know your purpose for being here. You’re a threat to them. Now, they will use me to kill you directly. I didn’t know. They didn’t tell me until it was too late. Now they have me, and if you refuse your duty, they…I will kill you.”
“You won’t” I said, but I could feel my voice shaking.
“I won’t have a choice.”
I had stood there in that room with him, taking in what he had told me, trying to make sense of everything. I couldn’t help but think about my dream, and what it meant. In the dream, Jonas attacked and killed me. Would it really happen that way? Had I been given a look into the future like the seers often had? But what I had seen contradicted what Macy had seen and told me. Would I have to choose between those two fates, or was there another option?
Jonas had said one more thing to me that night before he disappeared: “Do whatever you have to do to end this. No matter what it means for me, you do what needs to be done.”
I had nodded slowly, showing that I meant to do as he said, but as I did, a tightness had gripped around my throat and caused the tears to come. The reality of what Jonas and the seers were asking of me hit me all at once. The only way to destroy the shadows was to kill their host while they were inside of it, and Jonas was the host. Oliver had called people like him carriers; people who gave themselves or a part of themselves over to the shadows to do with as they pleased. By allowing the shadows full inhabitance of his body, Jonas had made himself as good as dead, and unknowingly, aided me in bringing freedom to his world, just as Oliver and Macy had said he would. When the shadows had completely taken over his body, they would be vulnerable in a way that they hadn’t been before, and I would be given the opportunity I needed to fulfill the prophesies.
There, in that room, I had fallen to the floor, unable to see through my tears and wanting nothing more than to be someone else, somewhere else. Anything, even my own death, would be better, easier, than taking Jonas’s life, even if in reality, the shadows had already taken it. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t.
I don’t know how long I stayed there on the floor that night. When I looked up, Jonas was gone. He had slipped out, unheard.
I hadn’t seen him since that night, and now, as I stood up slowly and took the first step off the porch and in the direction of the trees, I walked with a purpose. I was going to see Jonas one last time.
Ever since that night, I had battled with myself about what choice to make, which destiny to fulfill. It would be either my vision, or the seers’, and I had chosen. Now, I stood at the tree line, in front of the path that curved it’s way through the dense forest. Everything had to be done exactly like it happened in my dream, from the moment I opened my eyes to find myself on the path in the woods, to that last moment when Jonas would pounce, with the knife, ending it all. Except I wouldn’t be waking up this time. And that was okay.
I closed my eyes, took a breath, and walked straight ahead. A few steps later, I opened my eyes to find myself in the center of the path, facing into the darkness. The unusual brightness of the full moon was mostly hidden beneath the cover of the trees, showing itself in occasional bright patches on the ground, where there was a break in the canopy. I took one step forward, then another, and another, moving steadily along the path. The farther into the trees I went, the stronger the pull inside my chest became.
A cold wind blew suddenly from behind me, almost as if something was pushing me forward. A chill swept through me, and I hugged my arms close to my body. I hadn’t brought a jacket with me. I was shaking, but I suspected it was just as likely from anticipation and fear as from the cold. Something rustled to my right; a dark form moved from a patch of light and disappeared into the shadows caused by the thick cover of trees. I moved on, as the forest got thicker. Overgrowth crowded both sides of the path, threatening to swallow it up, but I knew I would be able to follow it to where I needed to go. I had seen everything night after night for the past two weeks. And just up ahead, there was a small clearing, lit up by the light of the moon and the stars combined, and in the center of that clearing stood a dark figure, unmoving, like a statue. I only saw the form of the body in the pale light, but I recognized the excited beat my heart burst into. I didn’t need to see a face to know who it was. There was the recognition, that moment when my dreams were realized, and for that moment, it was just the two of us alone, underneath the stars. Reality of why I had really come here didn’t hit until he looked up, and I saw eyes that weren’t quite his, a face without any trace of emotion. That’s when I felt my heart sink. My legs grew weak, and I couldn’t move. All I could do was whisper his name.
“Jonas…” The word escaped from my lips in a breath, barely audible. He turned and walked toward me, moving very slowly. I took a step backwards. It wasn’t Jonas. It was his body, yes, but everything else about him was foreign. His movements were rigid, his fists clenched at his sides. I had known it would be like this, but the disappointment and shock I felt was still the same as it had always been in my dreams, only more intense.
I didn’t try to say his name again. I knew he wouldn’t hear me.
He had closed the gap between us by only a few yards before he stopped, facing me. Then he bowed his head, and I could see his breathing change as his shoulders moved up and down. Then everything went completely dark, and there was a split second where the entire world around me disappeared, clothed in darkness so thick that I couldn’t see an inch in front of me. I froze, like a deer caught in headlights, my muscles tense, ready to run as I knew I would. Then the light began to return, racing at us from all sides as the darkness shrank into a smaller and smaller circle around Jonas, as if his body was absorbing it. Then the darkness disappeared completely, and a flash of white light exploded from him, covering everything around us, causing even the shadows from the trees to disappear, until the light faded, leaving only the pale glow from the sky. Then Jonas’s head shot up, his body suddenly changed, taken over completely. His eyes glared into mine. I dared myself to let my gaze fall from his face to his hand, which I saw was gripping an object that gleamed in the moonlight. At that moment, I bolted, and I didn’t have to look to know that he was right behind me. I could hear his heavy breaths, his feet pounding the ground, coming closer and closer. I abandoned the path and ran headlong into the trees, hardly seeing where I was going. Instinct had taken over as my adrenaline kept my feet moving at a rapid pace that never seemed to stop. It was as if I would run forever, but my mind screamed for my body to stop. I was running away from Jonas, and the pulling inside was almost unbearable.
I might not have ever been able to stop. I might have been running all night, had I not tripped over a root that was sticking out of the ground, twisting my ankle and sending me to the ground. The sharp pain that shot up my leg and the sudden stop of motion gave me just enough control that I was able to stay on the ground as he came at me. I was able to turn and look at him one last time as he sprang into the air, the knife held above his head, coming toward me, closer, closer… Then I closed my eyes calmly, satisfied. Just like in my dream.
And then nothing.
I opened my eyes slowly, and tried to take in what had happened. I was alone on the ground, the knife lay at my feet, still gleaming, with no trace of blood on the blade. My breath came in short gasps as I looked around. Jonas was several yards away, hunched over with his back toward me, his shoulders heaving.
Fighting.
He had managed to leave me there, the blade at my feet, in his last fight against the shadows. They were inside him, but somehow he had broken their control over him, if only for just a moment.
And a moment was all I needed.
He had left the knife at my feet as a last request, as a way to end the decades of control. I picked it up, and moved slowly closer to him, ready to end the slavery of Amaranthine, ready to free everyone, to fulfill my destiny…and Jonas’s.
I could hear his breathing, heavy and labored. It continued as I stepped forward, holding the blade ready. His fingers dug into the ground like claws, his body shook with resistance.
I was almost beside him when he sprung, seemingly without any effort on his part, as if his body was forced off of the ground and into the air by an invisible force. Then I heard an ear-shattering shriek as the blade was forced into his side by my own hand. The action was pure reaction to his sudden movement, to the terror that exploded in my head, clouding my vision as he fell. The shrieking continued, mixing with my own screams, the clash of thunder, the sound of skin tearing beneath the blade. Flashes of blinding light popped in front of my eyes one by one, until I could see nothing else, and then even they faded, as my knees gave way and I fell, never hitting the ground, into my own darkness.
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| So I've been told countless times that I need to update this. Perhaps some of you are even wondering if I'm still alive. Well, I am, which is surprising after what happened yesterday. For anyone who doesn't know, I totaled my car. I have bruises, which I like very much, and a lot of small cuts. And a new car, less than twenty-four hours later, for only $500. (Thank God!) And as much as I loved my old car, it was only that; a car, a piece of metal with attractive? rust spots and some kind of weird fungus in the backseat. I am happy to be alive, and happy that Kyle is okay, and for once, I'm choosing not to dwell on this stupid mistake, but to get on with my life.
And for anyone who's wondering what it was like... It was nothing like I expected. Seeing the pickup coming, hearing the squeal of tires...there were no thoughts that my life was about to end. My mind seemed to take it all in as simple facts as it happened. I thought, right before the impact, Oh, good. It's going to hit my side. And when it was all over, I was upset because I was surrounded by my car, which was now twisted up and obviously of no more use to me. That was one fact that I didn't want to accept. I was bleeding -- on my jeans. Crap. Kyle was okay, I could see that, and then it was all alright. I had been hit by a blue Dodge pickup, right on my door, and yet, nothing hurt. This frustrated me for a brief moment, mostly because everyone wanted me to stay in the car, stay still, but it doesn't hurt, there's glass everywhere, yes, I know. It's in my pants. I was smiling. I was sitting in my car, held hostage by the people who wouldn't let me just climb out the passenger door. Oh well. Kyle and I are cracking jokes. We will make this into a comedy show for all of the onlookers. I should stop smiling, or they will think I'm crazy. I get to climb out of my car on my own. I am thankful, because it's warmer today than yesterday, and not very windy. They ask if anything hurts. It doesn't, and I tell them so. They have an explanation for this: adrenaline. It's wonderful! More jokes. I've already called my mom and explained what happened, and everyone wants my name and number and this and that. They say I should go to the hospital. I say it's not needed. After all, what do they know? They also thought I should stay in my car. We get to sit in an ambulance for a half hour or so, until our parents arrive, and then we are released. We go to McDonald's. I'm hungry.
I blame the whole thing on the fact that I was hungry, and just wanted to go to McDonald's and get something to eat. After all, it was almost 4:00 in the afternoon, and I hadn't had a bite to eat all day. But of course, I have only myself to blame for that.
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| This is the Hour of Lead -- Remembered, if outlived -- As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow, First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go -- - Emily Dickinson I am feeling strangely okay. I write, but am not high strung or restless, which usually comes with the writing. There are no flashing lights, and very few times of sudden despair. I feel no need to be out and active, yet do not shy away from being social. There are things that I am sure of, and yet doubtful of at the same time. I am aware of needs which must be fulfilled, like I am aware of the days that come and go. I am losing track of them, unable to count the weeks like I used to, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I sit outside on warmer days, and sit at the computer typing or in my little room reading when it is too cold. There is no urgency, no immediate need. I am not giving anything up, and I am not giving in to anything, either. I am just being, waiting to see what will happen next, knowing and wondering at the same time, weighing the certainties against the variables and wondering when each will come into play. I am okay, like I said, thankful for space and friendship. I have everything I need. Feeling the same, but feeling okay. | | |
| Make. it. stop. It's probably really bad when you start hyperventilating while driving alone at night. I'm not numb anymore. I'm trying to remember, and it is surprisingly and dangerously easy. I am alone. It is night. I am driving, or standing in the middle of a field, or on top of a hill. Eyes are closed. I am either awake or dreaming, and the sky is alive and I am alive and warm and covered and contained and safe. So safe. So...okay. I hear words. Soft. Fading. Hissing. Growling. Calm, cool, rehearsed, harsh. Knife stabbing, punched in the stomach, no no, blinking, trying to breathe. I've been hit, and I open my eyes, and the sky is dark and the road stretches ahead of me and it's cold. So cold. And I am alone, trying very hard to breathe and to see. Distractions are extremely easy to come by these days. I need one. | | |
| Pretty pretty eyes with a darker tone Another hour in front of the mirror, now all the scars are shown And they say, "Let's have another toast, let's sing another song." She tries, but the wine is bitter and the words are wrong She still believes the lies - Blindside I am in a state of panic. I can't watch this, it hurts. It kills. It makes no sense. It makes more sense than anything else. It's something that I understand. It's something that I crave and fight and fear. So, understanding, I should know what to say and what to do to make the threat go away. But, understanding, I also know that it never really leaves, no matter what is done and said. I want to take away the pain. I want to be close, to be sure that everything is alright. What do you say when someone you love drags a knife across her skin, when you know why she did it and that you wouldn't do anything differently? How do you react when your friend tells you she's been making herself throw up? What do you say to someone when he tells you that he does not want to eat, when you know and understand what brought it about? When you feel the exact same way? I know a lot of broken people. If there is any reason that I can see right now as to why I should remain sane, it is for them. | | |
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